90% of coaching is helping people get out of their own way.
Do you want to perform at your best? Get out of your own way. Ego, fear of failure, status anxiety, a focus on the external instead of the internal.
Ways in which we get in our own way and what to do about it:
When we are in the middle of a performance, our mind almost always searches for an out
A hole to step in during a race, an excuse for why we got an F. When it comes to measuring up, we have a really difficult time coming face to face with where the limits of our capabilities are
Trying to do anything well exposes your ego & self-esteem.
It makes you vulnerable, open to seeing where your skill set truly lies.
You have to confront reality, something that as humans, we actively avoid.
When our sense of self is on the line, we often default towards protection.
We self-sabotage.
Let’s start how we protect our ego:
1. Self-Handicapping
2. Feedback Avoidance
3. Self-Serving Bias
4. Downward Social Comparison
5. Insecurity = Hard Work
1. Self-Handicapping
Decided not to study for an exam, or skip out on practice?
Under preparation is a coping strategy for stress. It allows you to protect your ego because you didn’t try.
Actually putting forth effort, requires being okay confronting your limits
The logic goes like this: If you don’t’t give your full effort, then the result doesn’t truly reflect your capabilities, therefore the result doesn’t mean much.
So even if you perform poorly, you can discount the result.
Quitting, or decreasing our effort is a form of protection.
To protect our sense of self, our ego, from losing or failing.
We’d rather say we didn’t really try than come face to face with our limits
2. Feedback Avoidance
We prefer to live in our own bubble & surround ourselves with people who will tell us how great we are.
We avoid any negative or threatening information like the plague. Preferring to live in a distorted reality where anything we do is great.
3. Self-Serving Bias
We attribute our success to internal factors.
Our failures to external or situational factors.
If we win, we think it’s all because of us. Our hard work, talent or skills. If we fail, we blame the coach, the weather, the refs, or any other external factor.
4. Downward Social Comparison
If instead of comparing ourselves to those who seem to be better off, we compare ourselves to those who are worse off, we can save our ego.
How many times have we received a poor grade on a test but resorted to saying “Well, so and so did worse?”
We do that to protect our ego, making ourselves feel better about the result. We do the same thing on the athletic field and in the office.
5. Insecurity of Hard Work
When I was young, I’d run twice on Christmas, 9 miles in the morning, 7 in the evening. I thought it proved my dedication & toughness.
Then I realized that ‘need to prove’ wasn’t about confidence, it was coming from insecurity.
For pushers, when faced with insecurity, we often double down. Thinking the solution is work harder. It isn’t. The solution is to quiet down your ego, so you can be free to do what’s best. Sometimes that’s hard work, other times it’s resting.
Now that we know a few ways in which we get in our own way, what can we do about it?
1. Define Your Comparison Point
We all need to feel competent. This used to be easy. Our measuring stick was local. The people in our office, our peers in schoo. Now, our comparison point is global.
It’s a lot harder to feel competent when you compare yourself to everyone
But you have influence over who/where your comparison point is.
Get clear on who and what matters. And come back to that over and over again. It’s only when you accept the game you are playing, that you free yourself up to perform.
2. Actual Vulnerability
We give a nod to vulnerability, but often it’s superficial or performative. Anytime we are in performative mode, our ego is in control. We are fragile.
When we drop the act, be who we are, we learn not to fear failure, but that it’s part of the process.
Authenticity allows us to deal with and come to terms with our potential sensitive points. Glossing over or ignoring them, allows them to grow.
3. Keep things in perspective.
No one really cares how fast or slow you run in circles, or whether you published in some magazine or not. The only people who truly care, will be there even if you fail at all of those things.
The people who leave, don’t really matter.
How do you gain perspective? Diversify: your experiences, friends, groups, etc.
Research shows that giving back, volunteering, or mentoring can help with burnout. It shifts the focus away from yourself and brings perspective on what’s important in life and work.
Perspective brings clarity. A few other ways:
1. Imagine you are giving a friend advice.
2. What would you say looking back 1 year from now?
3. Spend time in nature. Experiencing ‘awe’ causes us to zoom out.
4. Expand your social group
5. Read more
6. Experience other cultures
4. Align your motivation with your definition of success.
If you have more to lose, you are more likely to be motivated by fear of failure instead of a drive to win. When we fear failure, we play conservative.
Give yourself the permission to fail.
In recent research that involved the Swiss Olympic federation, those who were more intrinsically motivated were much more likely to make it to the international level a few years later
Those who adopted a fear of failure mindset were much less likely to make it to the next level
Extrinsic motivation is like lighter fluid. It looks impressive, there’s a big flame, but with nothing else there it burns out quickly. Intrinsic motivation is like coals. They last a long time. We need coals. Not lighter fluid.
https://thegrowtheq.com/competition-raises-our-game-or-causes-us-to-quit/
5. Secure but Flexible Sense of Self
Having a secure sense of self frees you up to perform.
If you’re overly worried about your ego, reputation, you’re more likely to play from a place of fear.
If you’re secure in who you are, you realize none of that matters
Create space between what you do and who you are.
When your identity is entirely tied to what you do, then during any challenge or activity where you could succeed or fail, your self-worth is at stake.
Our sense of self needs to be secure and adaptable.
6. Right View of Failure
The more we experience fear of failure, the more we tend towards avoidance instead of approach behaviors. Making failure something that isn’t big and scary, but something that leads to growth goes a long way in helping dissipate the fear surrounding it.
Two decades or so ago if you failed, it was just your local community or HS buddies who might find out. Now, fail and it spreads across the entirety of your social network in moments.
The solution? We handle failure when we see it as informational, not personal.
The greats don’t stew over a tough loss. They feel disappointed, angry, frustrated, of course. But then they move on. Get back to the work. Using the failure as information.
If you stew, you give that failure power. It becomes something to avoid.
7. Stop Chasing Outcomes
Chasing leads to worry, fear of failure, & trying to force your way towards success. It never works. Find things where your interests & talents align. Work your butt off at things that you enjoy the process of doing. The outcomes take care of themselves
If you fixate solely on success, you are inadvertently setting yourself up for failure. Fixating leads to increased pressure, expectations, and a burden on us to perform. Fear of failure becomes our guiding light.