PARDON ROULETTE CHRISTIE: by @tomiahonen

PARDON ROULETTE

CHRISTIE: Donald, if you pardon your kids, they will be forced to testify against you. And they will. You’ve trained them to be selfish. You know them. They would bury you. You cannot be this stupid. It would be the dumbest thing you could do.

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

BARR: What idiot suggested you should pardon your kids? Was it Hannity? Don’t tell me you’re listening to Giuliani again? Hasn’t he gotten you into enough trouble?

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

IVANKA: Daddy, don’t pardon anyone who is not family. Not Manafort, not Giuliani and gosh, not that vile creep Stephen Miller. The more you pardon, the more there will be investigations. Keep pardons just within the family, Daddy.

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

IVANKA: Daddy, don’t pardon the boys. Junior is an idiot. Eric is a moron and isn’t even our blood. We all know his dad is Gary Busey, so fuck him. Just pardon me

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: What about Jared? Should I give him a pardon?

IVANKA: That’s up to you, Daddy. Jared’s a bit dense but loves you more than Beavis & Butt-Head, or Rent-A-Mom

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

DON JR: Sir, Ivanka testified in DC against you & Eric testified in NY. You can’t trust them. Eric isn’t even our blood. That freak was fathered by Gary Busey. Just pardon me

TRUMP: What about your scary wife, the Gargoyle?

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

ERIC: Sir, pardon all of us, all of your kids. Not just Jr and Ivanka, but your adopted kids like Lindsey Graham, Matt Gaetz and me. And Sir, also pardon your illegitimate kids like Hope Hicks & Hannity. Pardon all of us

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

GIULIANI: “Don’t pardon your kids. They’re all conspiring against you. Eric testified in New York. Ivanka testified in DC. Pardon me. I’m the only one you can trust.”

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

FIRST TRAMP: Stuff your pardon, Donald. I don’t need it. I made recordings. The divorce takes effect on 20th of January and I’m taking Barron. We have a saying in the Slovenian Hooker Association: “I really don’t care, do you?”

#FLOTITS
#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Who is on line 2?

OPERATOR: It is Senator Lindsey Graham, he is calling about his pardon, again

TRUMP: I said no more calls from bloody Graham. Tell him to call his buddy John McCain for bloody pardon!

#LeningradLindsey
#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

HANNITY: Sir, I’m the only one of your biological children who has remained loyal to you. Even Ivanka is now ratting you out in DC court. Don’t pardon them. Fuck ’em. Pardon me

#InsanityOfHannity
#FixFox
#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: How much have we earned so far?

KELLYANNE: Here, let me show you on the spreadsheet

TRUMP: By the way, would you want me to pardon your asshole husband, while we’re at it?

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

COHEN: Donald, just so you know. After you didn’t pardon me, I told everybody how you treated me, and told them all to make recordings. It doesn’t matter whether you pardon them or not, they will all screw you now.

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

McENEMY: Mr President, as you’re handing out pardons to family & close staffers, could you give me a Presidential pardon too?

TRUMP: Who are you?

#McEnemy
#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

PENCE: So you pardon me on January 19. Then you resign. I become President for one day, and I pardon you

TRUMP: And then I don’t have to go stand next to Biden at the inaugration?

PENCE: That is correct, Sir

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

Dear friend,

I seem to have some issues with moving into tremendous Mar-A-Lago on January 20th. Would you happen to have a spare bedroom for a couple of months? I could grant you a full Presidential pardon in exchange?

Donald J Trump
President

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: No. I’m not giving any of you assholes in leadership of Republicans any pardons at all. You didn’t fund my Wall. I will launch the Patriot Party instead, to destroy you

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: I am a bit tight on cash right now. What if I give your lackeys all Presidential pardons, like Rand Paul, Mitch McTurtle and Ron Johnson? Would that be enough for me to get asylum in Moscow? I promise I’ll pay you back what I owe you

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

“I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Melania Trump for all crimes against the Rose Garden”

“I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Mike Pence for all names against Space Force”

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

GIULIANI: Donald, you can pardon yourself on federal crimes but not New York state crimes. I have that evidence to put you away for life, on your crimes in New York state. Don’t pardon your kids, they’re already ratting you out. Pardon only me.

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

“I Donald J Trump hereby pardon this Wall. I also pardon Mexico for not paying for this Wall.”

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

No. We did not meet to discuss bribes to sell Presidential pardons. No. Not at all. No pardons were discussed. We were… discussing the… naming of… Space Force? Oh? What was that? Oh? We… ahem… Guardians! Yes

#PardonRoulette #SpaceFarce #Guardians


PARDON ROULETTE

“Mr DeJoy, I just got word from the President about your pardon. Because you couldn’t rig the postal vote, I was asked to tell you that your pardon got lost in the mail. I am so sorry.”

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Rudy said that a Presidential pardon won’t stop New York state from prosecuting you, and a pardon would only force you to testify against me. So I’m not going to pardon either of you. Also, there is no money left in my will, I’m broke.

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

Hey Donald! We didn’t need to even think of pardoning our kids. Have a great time in prison!

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

“I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Ted Cruz for all crimes against facial hair”

“I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Rudy Giuliani for all crimes against his pants”

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

“I Donald J Trump hereby pardon Donald J Trump for all crimes foreign and domestic; federal, state, local and intergalactic; before, now and in the future. And I won the election.”

Signed:
Donald J Trump
President

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Steve, you haven’t submitted an offer for a pardon. Don’t you want one?

MNUCHIN: No Sir, I am leaving the country on 15 January

TRUMP: Where you headed?

MNUCHIN: First call? A plastic surgeon in Panama to change this ugly mug

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Mike? I don’t have a bid from you. Don’t you want a pardon?

POMPEO: No Donald. I’m better off negotiating with the FBI & ratting out this snake pit. I’m gonna go do that & call it being on quarantine for Covid. Good luck with your pardons

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Who are on these phone lines?

OPERATOR: On line 1 is Matt Gaetz, asking about his pardon. On line 2 is Ted Cruz, asking about his pardon. On line 3 is Jim Jordan, asking about his pardon. And on line 4, Lindsey Graham is still holding

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

TRUMP: Wayne, were you able to get the funds to pay for your pardon?

LaPIERRE: No Donald, I can’t pay you. The NRA is totally bankrupt. When I asked our members for some donations, all I got was thoughts and prayers

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

NAVARRO: I’ve just added another million to my bid

TRUMP: I told you, I’m not selling you a pardon. Get that election overturned!

NAVARRO: Ok, ok. I’ll get you a 36 page report on your desk by tomorrow. That will overturn this election

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

HANNITY: Sir, can you promise that once we reach the airport, you will sign my pardon?

TRUMP: I promise, I promise

HANNITY: But you also promised last time, and the time before that!

TRUMP: I will sign it at the airport, now drive!

#PardonRoulette


PARDON ROULETTE

IVANKA: Daddy? Could you spare a Presidential pardon for Goya beans?

cc @WilliamCDoll
#PardonRoulette


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