I sometimes want to convert to something just so people will recognize that I’m not a Christian... or maybe it’s because I need to recognize that I’m not a Christian.... 😬 I need to call my therapist
Like I love Jesus but I hate most Christians. And I know I’m supposed to love my enemy but until my friends aren’t dying at the hands of cops, until queer kids aren’t afraid to come out and queer folks everywhere stop killing themselves... I can’t help but feel enexorably tied
To a system that I am actively and trying to divest from when I use a label that conjures up so much fear, anxiety, pain, anger in people I love. I was an evangelical Christian. And when i left that space, I found God. What does that say about the label of Christian then?
And yes, this is all subjective and me kind of waxing poetic. My experience is mine and it is not a prescriptive for anyone else... But this is my wrestling match with Spirit right now. I’ve found a home in a desert space. Had mana and found many an oasis when I realized that
I was the one who had rivers of living waters in my own belly. The thing I thirsted for, Christ, the one whom I invited into my body at age 9... I got a glimpse of it then and it was perfect and then it was tarnished by most of what I learned in church. Love was not as simple.
I am who I am IN SPITE OF a church who’s theology almost killed me. I do not owe the church my loyalty at all, so why carry a label associated with an institution that has a track record of destroying... literally almost everything... And y’all might be like NOT ALL CHRISTIANS
And fuck yes I know Jesus calm down... but I’m just kind of realizing how much white supremacy and (evangelical )Christian supremacy have been so intertwined that it’s hard for me to feel good about holding on to it... and it makes me sad! And I don’t get it!
What’s wild too... no one is making me choose. I don’t have to decide for good if I’m NOT A XTIAN or DEF A XTIAN... like it’s not that serious. And I can change my mind. I’ve always been able to do that. So yeah. Maybe today I’m not a Christian.
Shout out to grace-n-mercy™️ for hanging on even when my faith feels... *gestures to smoke disipating at the end of my joint* doing that. 🖤🧿✌🏽✨📿