Last weekend I spoke to about 100 church leaders and counselors about the hidden dynamic of abuse and why helpers frustratingly often support the abuser and re-victimize the victim. You could feel the air suck from the room Let’s turn the tide.
If you’re new to the conversation...often trained helpers still don’t see it even when it’s right in front of them. Victims think they are helpers Abusers think they are victims Helpers tell victims to “do more” to “help” the abuser
At the foundation of all abuse is the mid-assignment of responsibility Abuser makes victim responsible for : 1. Their drives 2. Their choices 3. The protection of the abuser When reported, authorities do THE SAME THING 1. Ask “what was your part?” 2. What can you do to help?
These questions and often the instructions of counselors or pastors actually mimics the dynamic of abuse “If you do more _______ they will change” This is not just inaccurate, it is secondary abuse
For real change to happen the abuser has to change more than behavior.... they have to take responsibility and express empathy over time
For real change to happen the victim must stop taking responsibility for the well being of their abuser Unfortunately this emotionally and relationally healthy change is too often viewed as being hard-hearted and unforgiving. Let’s turn the tide
It is important to see the “inappropriate assignment of responsibility “ dynamic. Without recognition of this, the whole culture supports the wrong person and prescribes the wrong solutions
