Even though I no longer think of myself as a trans woman, going on estrogen/t-blockers, getting the hair lasered off my face, & having my own bespoke genitals (I did zero-depth - A vulva & clitoris but no vaginal canal) has all vastly improved my quality of life/made me happier.
I still use she pronouns, and if people presume that I'm a girl, that feels much better than people thinking I'm a guy (at this moment). Even though it still stings when I'm presumed male, it doesn't sting as badly as when I thought I was a binary trans woman.
I am unbelievably fortunate to have been able to access gender-affirming treatment & surgeries. My experience should be the default for all trans & non-binary folks who choose to medically transition, not a rare edge case. Because this MADE a huge difference (at least for me).
Having my mind/body closer to "feeling like home," rather than feeling like a house that didn't belong to me, that I wasn't truly welcome in, is the biggest positive change I've felt over nearly half a century of trundling about on this pale blue dot we're all stuck on together.
So much is still uncertain, admittedly. I'm not sure what my sexuality will look like after I'm fully recovered from my recent revision. I'm not sure where I'll land in terms of gender identity & expression long-term - Or if that will remain fluid/uncertain "for the duration."
I mean... I don't think I'll go back to presenting super duper fem every single day, nor do I think I'll ever present squarely masc for any longer than brief periods where I intentionally want to present "boyishly." I don't think either of those are equilibrium states for me.
I still have a lot of work to do on mental health stuff/processing trauma. I'd like to build a more healthy relationship w/food & get back to a higher level of physical activity. Transitioning & living more authentically has made things BETTER - but it's still messy & imperfect.
I guess part of what I'm saying is that transition isn't a failure if it doesn't end up at the coordinates you originally punched into your own personal navicomputer. You're not less trans or "not trans enough," either.
It's funny - One thing that has stayed remarkably consistent over the past decade is that I've never wavered in identifying as "trans." That's a crucial block in the Jenga tower that makes me "me." I'm trans. I'm also queer and non-binary. Those parts of me feel very permanent.
I don't yearn to be perceived as cisgender. It's pretty hard to parse from the outside (and a fool's errand), but if people address me with "he" pronouns because they think I'm transmasculine, that goes down SO MUCH EASIER for me than if they call me "sir" bc I'm presumed cis...
2021 was... yikes. In both good & bad ways. I made huge progress in addressing my mental health. I got diagnosed with ADHD + started treatment. I gave myself permission to not present super fem all the time every day. I came out as non-binary. I had bottom surgery! (Wow!)
Mental-health wise, I had some ROUGH patches - And in those patches, not only did I not like myself, but I also made life more difficult for people who love me and care about me. But I'm ending the year on an upswing, and I'm really optimistic about the future/my personal growth.
I want to control my mind & how I look at myself, rather than believing I'm a piece of shit because of the trauma I've gone through. I want to be more mindful of the living force, if you catch my meaning. I want to be able to relax. I want to connect more deeply w/other people.
But there are things I want to keep. I want to remain vulnerable and soft. I want to have big emotions. I don't want to "toughen up" or "give as good as I get." One reason I'm obsessed w/Ted Lasso? [REDACTED 1] is an aspirational figure for me. [REDACTED 2] is a cautionary tale.
This got way rambly - 2021 was eventful, important, weird, painful, and joyous for me. My future is uncertain, and I'm working to become more comfortable with that uncertainty and enjoy life in real time - because this is it. This is all the time I'll be given.
I transitioned bc I didn't want to waste the rest of my life. I keep working on myself - Trying to figure out what makes me tick, trying to be healthier, trying to evolve and grow - bc I want to enjoy today, w/both eyes on it & not forever keeping one worried eye on the future.
