A message I want to share with adults who work with #ADHD kids is: pushing them the way that you push neurotypical kids harms them for life. Here’s what I mean. When I start working clinically with an adult who has ADHD, one of the first things we do /1
is we start to map out their trauma history. And I don’t mean non-adjacent childhood traumas (which are also relevant, but we get to those later) I mean their #ADHD-specific, childhood-based traumas that result from having ADHD while growing up in an ableist society. /2
As you can imagine, this is really sad stuff. Bright kids who were called lazy because they literally *could not* complete tasks the way teachers/parents wanted; hyperactive kids longingly watching their peers run and jump at recess while they sat staring at a math worksheet; /3
Worse stuff too—kids *abused* for not finishing chores or not getting A’s or forgetting—all while their brain will *literally* not let them—which creates this horrific feedback loop: fear causes more forgetting, which brings harsher punishment, causing more fear, and on and on /4
But the most pernicious phrase that tends to wreck kids, and then seems to ruin things past childhood, past college (if that happens) and into their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, is: “you have SO much potential!” This phrase can be deadly for #ADHD kids and we need to stop. /5
Here’s why. When the phrase “you have so much potential” is shared with a neurotypical kid, it is a message of hope. It’s an adult seeing a child who has the capacity to do great things if they follow certain steps and make certain choices. It’s nurturing. It’s lovely! /6
But when the phrase “you have so much potential!” is used with a kid with #ADHD, whether intended or not, it is most often an ablist, micro-aggressive dig at their disability that tells the child that they should be striving for things that are actually impossible. /7
And then when the kid with #ADHD tries with ALL THEIR MIGHT to bridge the gap (examples below) to please the adult—to “meet their potential” in other words—they fail. Predictably. Naturally. And tragically. And the adult is disappointed in them. /8
And the problem is, it doesn’t stop there. Because at that point, often the adult is invested, and the adult’s ego is also on the line. So they say “okay, try again! Don’t give up! You can do it!” And the kid tries harder. And fails again. And again. And again. /9
And THEN the adult starts providing lots of ideas that help neurotypical folks saying “you can meet your potential if you just use these tools!” (Alarms, planners, apps, schedules, reminders, whatever.) And the kid has hope, and tries AGAIN. And fails AGAIN. And at this point /10
The adult is exasperated and doesn’t understand why their “help” as a teacher or parent or counselor isn’t working. And the kid doesn’t understand either. And that’s when other horrible messages really take hold. Like “lazy” and “messy” and “unmotivated” and “disobedient.” /11
And the adult actually believes those labels because the adult really *could* see “potential” (like high IQ, or amazing musical aptitude, or incredible athletic ability) and now really believes the kid must just not *want* to get to rehearsal in time (or whatever) /12
And the kid… that poor #ADHD kid is SO confused. Because they DO love the sport or skill or interest and they really DO love the adult and want to please them. And they didn’t. Over and over. So they really MUST just be lazy. Or unmotivated. Or careless. Or inconsiderate. /13
And now take that, and multiply it by every school year, by every class, by every teacher that sees something in them, by every unmet goal or hope or dream, year after year, situation after situation, disappointment after disappointment. What you get is an adult in despair. /14
What you get is an adult who actually believes they’re lazy and good for nothing. What you get is an adult who’s deeply depressed and unable to like any part of themselves, who has no idea the real truth that’s been their all along: They have an ADA-recognized disability. /15
Adults who use the phrase “you have so much potential!” with kids that have #ADHD and are exhibiting normal symptoms of the disorder are hurting those kids. The way to know for sure is to notice what’s next. If it’s any kind of “but” this is not encouragement. It’s harm. /16
Let me give you some examples so you can see it more clearly. Let’s say Shannon (12) tests in the 99th percentile for math, but inexplicably does not do her homework, and when she occasionally does, it is riddled with errors. Her teacher is putting together grades and notices /17
with tests (all A’s) and assignments (mostly missing) combined, Shannon is getting a C. Her teacher pulls her aside and asks why she is so behind on homework. Shannon looks confused and horrified. She says “I don’t know” and says she tries to remember but forgets. /18
Shannon’s teacher is confused by this situation. Shannon is very quiet in class, has no behavior problems, and is willing to participate when asked. She obviously understands the material, but seems unmotivated to do homework like her peers. It strikes Shannon’s teacher /19
how unfair it is that some kids do ALL the homework possible and even extra and then don’t score as well as Shannon on tests. Surely someone as gifted as Shannon should be willing to do the small effort of doing the assignments in order to get an A. It seems to the teacher /20
that Shannon must not really care about school, and the carelessness on the assignments she does turn in makes the teacher think Shannon doesn’t appreciate this class. This leads the teacher to say “Shannon, you have SO much potential! You are doing better than most /21
of your peers on tests. But your assignments need to be turned in, and they need to be less sloppy. If you would just take the time to finish your work you would be one of my most successful students!” Bill struggles in his English class. His mom can’t understand why /22
when basically all he does is read books about military operations throughout history, he has a great vocabulary, and loves to write fiction about his favorite battles. “Bill you have so much potential! In fact, if you would spend *half* the time you spend obsessing /23
about old wars as you would on your assignments you would easily get an A!” But anytime Bill tries to study for English, he just finds himself sucked back to Wikipedia, and he has no idea why. When his mom asks, he shrugs and doesn’t know what to say. /24
At that, Bill’s mother calls him lazy and says “if you don’t get your homework done you’re grounded.” Bill tries, but can’t get himself to do it and has no idea why. Eventually he accepts his fate as a disappointing kid who just likes being lazy. /25
I could go on and on with these (I have plenty from my own life) but the point is: if you are an adult who is frustrated by a kid with high aptitude and low performance, and it turns out they have #ADHD it is *critical* to frame the conversation differently. /26
Instead of focusing on “you got a 3.8, but if you just applied yourself you could have a 4.0 cuz you’re so smart…” thus setting an unreachable standard, let them know they are awesome exactly where they are, with exactly what they have done. Tell them they’re perfect as is. /27
Find out what interests them, what gets the dopamine flowing in their brain, and then celebrate their victories as they follow those interests with abandon, even if doing so doesn’t line up with standard educational conventions or milestones. /28
Trust your #ADHD kid or student. Trust that their brain is taking them where they need to go even if it makes you nervous. And when they have a stroke of insight or inspiration, foster it with them and watch what they create or become. /29
I cannot tell you the number of #ADHD kids I’ve worked with whose parents were TERRIFIED they might not graduate high school cuz they were “wasting all their time online” doing some hobby, and when I asked “and how much money are they making with their online hobby?” /30
And then when we do the math, it turns out the kid is *already earning* more than most college graduates by spending hours and hours selling art on etsy or making cringe YouTube collages or whatever else their interest and inspiration has taken them. /31
But it’s not always like that—sometimes a kid needs more time than that before they become wildly successful as they follow their internal compass. But Just remember that the path for an ADHD person is almost always unusual and unconventional and a bit scary. /32
But when they are believed in and supported in their abilities instead of seen only as valid with how much “potential” they have of being like their neurotypical peers, #ADHD kids end up finding the COOLEST paths to the most UNEXPECTED places, and they often make $ easily. /33
I had more to say, but honestly my own hyperfocus just lost steam and I need to move on with my day (as a private business owner who’s made over six figures for years, who got where I am unconventionally cuz I have #ADHD and it is a superpower, and it is for your kid too!) /34
ETA: some folks with #ADHD have pointed out that calling it a “superpower” is problematic and they’re correct. This disability doesn’t have to have some magical quality to be okay, and people experiencing it are ALL valid with or without ableist success markers (like income).
