I see we're doing the "parental estrangement" discourse again. As a therapist I've been with many many client's who made the decision to stop having their parents in their lives.
I have never, and would never, dictate such a decision to a client. No therapist who doesn't want a lawsuit would- it's a massive overstep in our role.
Every client I've seen exit relationships with their parents EVERY. ONE. Genuinely 100% tried to make these relationships work for YEARS, to no avail.
It's not something people do lightly. It's stigmatized, it's painful, it's shamed, it's often painful and traumatic. People only do it because the alternative is worse.
The problem we have is that the narrative is that MAYBE it's SOMETIMES ok for adult kids to cut off parents IF that parent was *sufficiently abusive* AND hasn't "changed" since that abuse happened. The burden of proof is on the adult child, and it's high and slippery.
We DON'T talk much about the parents who reject their child- who may not cut off communication completely, but who use any and all available contact to try to force their adult children into conforming to what the parent wants them to be.
These parents aren't criticized for abandonment of these relationships- in fact they get sympathy for behavior that harms their child and provides none of the benefits these relationships supposedly provide.
The common theme I see for client's who sever parental relationships isn't queerness, or even physical abuse. The parents who get cut off are those who expect & demand to retain CONTOL in these relationships, & reject their adult children's many efforts to negotiate boundaries.
People who want to unilaterally dictate who gets to assert what boundaries in the relationship very very rarely are open to changing that dynamic. So, after years of efforts to reach out, to be understood, to compromise, the kids give up.
And only then to the parents realize the power their adult children had all along. the power to leave. And then they pitch a fit and play the victim, because it feels to them like the rules to the game they'd been winning have suddenly changed.
And before anyone wants to be silly at me "call me by the name and pronouns that don't make me miserable" is NOT the same as "I can criticize you however I want as much as I want and mock or shut down any feelings you have about it".
You don't want your kids to grow up and stop talking to you? Listen to them, normalize collaboratively setting boundaries, and learn to respond well to people having feelings and needs that make you uncomfortable. Let them be their own people.
When your kids are adults, you have to let go of your need to control them, or their relationship (really, REALLY should have been loosening the reigns LONG before then- this is a major conflict with teens that doesn't need to be this way).
Adults are your peers. Treat them with the respect that entails, and you'll likely find them a lot more open to trusting you, listening to you, and helping you.
Ok this is destroying my mentions. I'm gonna mute this thread. People who've cut ties- I see you, & you can look at the likes on this to see I'm not the only one. If you wanna read my late YA novel about messy messy family dynamics (not estrangement) my pinned thread has deets.
