When 2022 started, I set many goals: -Open my startup -Hit gym regularly w high protein diet, NO junk food -Complete MA in Psych degree -Promote to SDE 3 @Rippling -Complete 12 trips Meanwhile this is my pic from 7th Jan when I got hospitalised due to major anxiety attackš§µ
Ever since I graduated from college back in 2019, every year I have set really high goals for myself. Trying to act like a superhero, wanting to be an all rounder. And I donāt mean a jack of all trades and master of one but a master of all trades š
Post coming from office, I used to hit gym. Then gave competitive programming contests at night, and as I was a commissioned artist back then, I used to make face portraits of clients at night. Also later enrolled for Masters degree in Psychology & used to study for that too.
And when all of this done within a day, used to party late night till 4 am with friends. Not taking enough sleep or giving time to even realise why I was doing what I was doing.
Basically I was just doing everything to avoid facing or even thinking about some personal trauma/loss that was lingering and growing in the back of my mind. I just never wanted to sit still with my intrusive thoughts.
I literally went into denial mode to avoid them. And you know what? From outside, it felt like it worked!
- I became Master on Codeforces, under top 50 Indian coders - I was ripped. Had 6 packed abs - I got promoted to SDE 2 in just 1.5 years in super paced @Rippling and was earning one of the highest packages in India for any engineer with ~2 YOE - passed first year of my masters!
All this accomplished after college! I felt like Iām unstoppable! But chasing perfection as a coping mechanism to avoid my intrusive thoughts,emotions & trauma wasnāt going to work in long run & as it was left unsolved for years, slowly developed into a disorder during lockdown
But I still tried avoiding itā¦though I was failing this time in doing so. So, 2022 arrived and I set even bigger goals. But in the first week of January, BOOM! My body gave up. I suffered a massive anxiety attack this time that I had to be taken to emergency
In January, post that attack, I developed abnormal heart palpitations that just never stopped. I was never able to sleep. Whenever I tried to sleep, I felt like my heart will stop beating and that fear used to wake me up. The more my focus went on heartbeat, the faster it became!
My blood pressure also started being on the lower side. I was put under medications as well as on holter machine examination 24x7. As doctors werenāt able to understand if this is an anxiety attack only or something related to heart.
While all of this was happening and I was spending sleepless nights, I contracted the Covid Delta variant mid-January. I had to eat heavy dosage of antibiotics for covid along with my already running anxiety related medicines. & thatās how January wrapped up.
February came, Covid got cured but heart palpitations still didnāt. So I decided going to gym again after a monthās break. I was just doing biceps curls and suddenly I fainted in Gym. I wasnāt able to breath at all & thus I started to panic which lead to my second anxiety attack.
Later we got to know that due to COVID, my heart pumping (LV ejections) has reduced to 35%. And it will take 6 months to recover with medications. Meanwhile I was advised not to do any physical activity at allā¦Not even walking too much as it will lead to shortness of breath.
Now all of this happening over the course of 3 months, while I was on bed rest with sleepless nightsā¦I was put on PIP (performance improvement plan) by Rippling š„²
I wonāt deny the fact that they were very supportive in the beginning but as I wasnāt able to perform for the last 3-4 months, they had no option other than that. So I was told to perform extremely well in the month of marchā¦ failing to do so will lead to them firing me!
I was given a huge set of action plan to complete within 30 days. Also just FYI, no one ever passed the PIP in Rippling till that point. At that point my only goal became to not exit Rippling in such an embarrassing way & to save my dignity. So I somehow managed to pass the PIP
Later in April, despite my ongoing meditations of anxiety and covid induced heart problem, I again got admitted to hospital due to anxiety attack and thus I decided to leave Rippling and take full time rest for few months At least I was the one to call it quits and not Ripplingš
By the time April ended, me being sleep deprived due to heart palpitations for so many months, my intrusive thoughts became stronger. And thus, I finally decided to take therapyā¦where I got diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder.
May arrived, and I suddenly started feeling an irritating sound in both of my ears. As if someone has slapped me on ears and its just humming. The sound just wasnāt fading away. Later I got to know that I have developed Tinnitus in ears and it is non-curable! For LIFE!!!
Heavy anti-biotics that I took during covid, lead to weakening of my ear veins and thus I developed this disease. And the worst part is- I have to live with this humming sound THROUGHOUT MY LIFE!
For the first 30-40 days, the sound was too much that I was not able to concentrate at all and I used to lose my shit! I used to go insane. So I was put on one more medication, this time for Tinnitus, for 6 months to at least make it manageable.
Now July came and my heart palpitations finally started to reduce. I was able to do light workout again and was able to sleep better than before. Though my medications were still running, I gradually accepted the fact that Tinnitus will never go & I learnt to live with it.
But just when I thought things have started to improve, I developed some kind of discomfort and pain in my stomachā¦I wasnāt able to eat anything, I just vomited. All the time, had indigestion.
So, I had endoscopy + biopsy and later got to know that due to heavy medications over the last so many months, I have developed a lot of ULCERS in stomach! I was diagnosed with chronic gastritis which will take at least 6 months to cure with super heavy medications in best case!
I had so much plans for 2022 but all the perfectionism got shoved up in my ass š
I became unemployed for months. Gained 15 kgs. Was taking online therapy secretly for anxiety disorder from car, so that parents wouldnāt know that Iām āmadā š. Got a life long tooooooooo sound stuck in my ears forever.
Covid, heart palpitations, heart pumping reduction, Tinnitus, Anxiety Disorder and now Chronic Gastritis! Literally taking medications for most of this simultaneously for months! It felt like a domino effect. One thing leading to another. Wooff š
These are some of the syrups I took in just 21 days š„² I donāt have photos of tablets that I ateā¦ otherwise it would have made a hill. Wait am I just flexing about how many medications Iāve been under? Fucked up right š
So thatās how my first 10 months of this year passed. Most medications (except that of stomach) have stopped, though the diseases not fully cured.
This year went the exact opposite of what I expected it to be. But the pace at which I was progressing (at least from outside) over the past 3 years, I always had a gut feeling that this disaster was nearby!
This year made me realise how important mental well being is. And the things that I used to call āaccomplishmentsā arenāt really accomplishments if they arenāt what my heart truly desires. How much of it is just to keep up appearances in the eyes of others.
You may have grown in career, you may have grown physically but if mentally you are at the same place as before, then you havenāt grown at all! Always striving for perfection can make you forget that you indeed are a mortal creature with limitations just like everyone else.
Soā¦. I think Iāve said a lot by now š But I do want to add that I am still grateful for this year but for very different reasons than what I expected. And it might not feel āaccomplishmentsā to you but they are for me. Sharing some of them šš»
1. Got the chance to watch my favourite tv showās final season LIVEā¦real time, just when it aired. I even made an analysis video of it Always had regret that I never got the chance to watch Breaking Bad live. So Iām grateful I got atleast for its prequel
youtu.be/74ff3YIBepI
2. I also happened to develop a habit of learning Spanish language, giving 3 mins every day for it. I myself am not aware of reasons why Iām learning it š. Completed 150+ days streak on Duolingo app thoughš
3. In November, I went on a solo trip to Udaipur. Was thinking of going there since ages! It was an amaaaaaaaazing experience. Eating tasty food after so longš
4. Went on a date after ages and that too with a woman 5 years older than me. Well, I call that as a major achievement š Boys will get it š
5. This month, finally decided to resume my fitness journey but this time not going to force that hardcore fitness regime with strict diet on myself again! But will take baby steps and move ahead in sustainable fashion not depriving myself too much of the tasty food š
6. Ended my 6 months unemployment streak by getting selected for SDE 2 at @amazon Canāt be more thankful to them for giving me a chance when I needed it the most both financially and psychologically ā¤ļø
7. And the most important oneā¦ along with the therapist worked on my intrusive thoughts and internal conflicts that had been haunting me for years and stopped me from coming out of toxic relationship and enjoying life!
Lastly, I am just grateful for how this year has shaped my perspective towards my life goals. Who I want to be as a person and whom I want to be with.
8. Currently, I am on my first international trip to Thailand with friends to celebrate this New Year! And I honestly donāt have any goals for 2023. Just one request - be normal š Also, its already past 12 hereā¦ So Happy New Year guys! š„³š„³
